As a teenager growing up in a traditional Asian family who didn’t yet understand my homosexuality, I constantly found myself searching for gay Asian male figures to look up to. I wanted a glimpse of the life I could have — someone who looked like me and could understand my struggle. But all I saw plastered in magazines and on TV screens was the supposed prime specimen that I just couldn’t relate to: the chiseled, white, square-jawed pin-up. I wondered if that’s who I needed to be, or at least be with. It was what gay society told me was the pinnacle of male beauty.

For a long time, I thought that coming out would open doors to a place where I could be open about my identity without judgement. As gay men, we all go through an emotional journey to discover a sense of self; to allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to come out and let our lives fall into place. And while I found acceptance in innumerable ways through friends, coming out also meant entering a world brimming with a distinct, ubiquitous form of discrimination — where racism runs rampant and everyone is boxed into manufactured stereotypes.

I learned quickly that some of the most blatant racism in the gay community is pointed at Asian men. “Not into Asians” or “no Asians please” can be found in personal ads (in the pre-internet days) or dating app profiles today. It’s a mystery to me how such a blanket statement can be used, but it’s become pervasive to the point of acceptance. If anyone does show interest in an Asian man, they may be pursuing a submissive Asian stereotype. Other gay men want to dominate and discard us. We’re seen as objects that can be fetishized and collected.

In my 25 years of being out, going to bars and talking to people who found no issue in telling me to my face that they don't date Asians felt like the norm. When I moved to New York in the late ‘90s I went with my Asian friends to The Web, a gay Asian bar that seemed like an oasis where like-minded people could meet, congregate, dance, and share experiences. Little did I know that it was a place of division — a place where Asians competed with each other for the attention of non-Asian men at the club. Nearly every gay Asian friend of mine has experienced some sort of racism within the gay community, and I can’t even fathom how many around the world have felt it too.