Chart Review 05/07/24

Guess who's back from his holid- NOT!!! 😡🤪😱

excuse the emoji outburst.

Yeah, turns out despite having completed my two-week stay in Devon, my mum has secretly shoved another fortnight stay in Cornwall right next to it, and I had no idea until she took the wrong turn on the motorway. I mean, why? There's no point! I don't want to spend another couple weeks posting these reviews later than expected. I just wanna go back to Manchester! (said nobody outside of Manchester ever) So that explains why I've yet again failed to show you my ramblings on time. Hope you've got the memo, because I wish I had.

Anyways, it's a new week, a new government (thx Labour I guess, even though I didn't bother voting), and a new future ahead for all of us as the rainy weather lashes down on a wistful United Kingdom. Sadly, the charts didn't get this vital information, because we're back to clutching at straws on the UK Top 40 again. Do you really want me to mention "album chart" and "Taylor Swift" in the same sentence again? I thought not. Besides, it was all about Glastonbury Festival anyway. Unlike last year though, when the Top 40 suddenly had to deal with Elton John and Guns n' Roses all over again, this year's edition hasn't done much. Or anything.

So Sabrina Carpenter clocks a 3rd week hogging the Top 2 spots with Please Please Please and Espresso (just 49 sales separated them apparently), Tommy Richman catches a chronic case of ACR, causing him to plummet loads and let Central Cee jump back into the Top 10 for another week, and Chappell Roan continues to slay all of your niche female singer-songwriter faves with Good Luck, Babe, that song now ending up as the 4th most popular thing in the country. Ignore what Capital's Big Top 40 is telling you, they're all fibbing losers. Also, ever since he did that West Coast gig where he performed the same song a bazillion times, it seems that Kendrick Lamar has suddenly experienced some sort of second wind. Not Like Us casually now lies at it's highest showing for a fair few weeks at No.11, which is at least heartwarming to see one of his singles not immediately drop off to oblivion. A video for this dropped earlier today. Off the back of this, I wouldn't put a Top 10 position next week out of the realms of possibility. Even if Jack Saunders won't stop fawning over it everytime he gets the chance. Alright, we get it, you like rap. Who d'you think you are, Tim Westwood?

So yeah, the Glastonbury effect is quite minimal this week. Dua Lipa's the only one to gain any sort of success from the back of this, even if an O2 advertisement for one of her gigs keeps hijacking my caravan TV set (cello, if anyone's interested). Current album Radical Optimism fires it's way back to No.3 on the albums, her other ones occupy the Top 10 for some reason, Illusion creeps to a not-that-impressive actually 25 (despite a physical release, so LOL to that song 'flopping' by her standards), meanwhile lead hit Houdini casually pops up again at 38, the first appearance of this song in the best-sellers since March. That's great and all Dua but can you make a better album next time? I doubt RO has as much chance of defining an era as Future Nostalgia. Oh, and midweek album leaders Imagine Dragons slumped to 5, so you know who to laugh at this week.

Coldplay haven't fared much better either despite trying every dang trick in the chartriggers' book to get feelslikeimfallinginlove as high as possible. Headline sets, music video, physicals (not actually 🫠), you name it. Wouldn't be too shocked if they tracked down my location and threatened to pour mud down my trousers if I didn't stream it. Which I didn't, of course. Said song climbs to (ONLY, you will note) 16, still the 3rd lowest showing for a lead single behind Shiver and Orphans, so it is safe to say that this hasn't gone down well. James Masterson should've known better than to root for this monotonous mum-pop. Although he has been doing this since 1992, so what do I know eh?

There are two new entries though, so at least I can sleep easy tonight. At least I would be if said new entries weren't a waste of my time. Jumping to 30 is The Kid LAROI with a song that barely lasts longer than a toilet break, not that NIGHTS LIKE THIS is horrendous or anything, but boy, is it just TikTok-bait. C'mon Kid, you can do so much more than 90 seconds of snoozy lip-sync challenges. Kisses by dance producers BL3SS and CamrinWatsin, and uninteresting vocalist bbyclose has also risen up the wastelands of the Top 100 in recent weeks and climbs 9 to 35 today, which is all well and good except it sounds as dated as my LeapFrog drawing pad when I was a child. I don't have any clue as to why I still own that. It clearly doesn't work anymore. It also reminds me of Good Love by Hannah Laing, and you don't want to remind me of that travesty's run to the Top 10 last summer. I guess I should be glad it isn't that horrendous, but I know that if it keeps climbing I'm gonna loathe it. Just ask NewEra.

Outside the 40 and K-POP has rightfully shafted it, Jimin's latest completely f***ing up it's midweek position to end up at 46, with BLACKPINK's LISA faring little better at 49. Ironically The Kid LAROI's new song GIRLS ends up lower than his TikTok thingy at 47, Dominic Fike has made it into the upper half, 3 Lions can only go up to 73 off the back of England squeaking to the quarter-finals, Eminem's follow-up to Houdini enters at 78 after just a couple days of traction, Kelsea Ballerini is here because of Noah Kahan, Camila Cabello's flop album at least gives her a new entry, country's latest hope Ella Langley is at 98, Burna Boy is a fraud, and another Gracie Abrams album track makes its bow at 100. As you can tell, barely any of these will be remembered by August. Perhaps.

Next week we have albums from Kasabian, Zach Bryan, and LITERALLY NOBODY ELSE to dissect, meanwhile there are new songs from beebadoobee, Jessie Ware, AJ Tracey, OneRepublic, Good Neighbours, Sigala and Childish Gambino. None of which will make the Top 40. Except maybe the fact that Quavo and Lana Del Rey duet on a song that would be more notable if it was made in 2017, given how inescapable Quavo was back then. But what do I know, eh? In this post-Conservative landscape, anything could happen. C U N 7 DAZ.

ACE TIER:

Chappell Roan [4] (Whoever rubbished her last week could've come up with a better nickname. Apple Droan anyone?), Taylor Swift ft. Post Malone [12], Charli XCX [32], Chappell Roan [26], Shaboozey [3]

COOL TIER:

Billie Eilish [17], Kendrick Lamar [11], Sabrina Carpenter [1]

GOOD TIER:

Chappell Roan [40], Sabrina Carpenter [2] (Ooh, how the tables turn. As in I like the other one more now.), Tommy Richman [34], Dua Lipa [38] (The best thing from Radical Optimism, which probably isn't saying much.), Taylor Swift [21]

ALRIGHT TIER:

Billie Eilish [5], Eminem [6], The Blessed Madonna/Clementine Douglas [28], Dua Lipa [25] (Those physicals REALLY helped. Honest.), Coldplay [16], Central Cee ft. Lil Baby [10]

EH TIER:

Tommy Richman [22], Billie Eilish [33], Noah Kahan [31], Teddy Swims [28], Gracie Abrams ft. Taylor Swift [37] (Suddenly I don't enjoy this as much.), Mark Ambor [14], Jordan Adetunji [24]

UH OH TIER:

Taylor Swift [13], Post Malone ft. Morgan Wallen [8], Dasha [9] (Outstayed your welcome now.), The Kid LAROI [30] (Sheesh, zeitgeist much?), Hozier [19]

NAH TIER:

Myles Smith [7], Benson Boone [15], Post Malone ft. Blake Shelton [36], BL3SS/CamrinWatsin/bbyclose [35] (This is giving me Hannah Laing-influenced PTSD from last summer.)

GET OUT OF MY SIGHT TIER:

Benson Boone [18], David Guetta & OneRepublic [20] (Thanks I hate it.), NewEra [39], Michael Marcagi [23] (LEAVE), Teddy Swims [27]

NEW THINGIES:

Jimin/Loco - Smeraldo Garden Marching Band [46] (The name is better than the contents. By about 20 light years.)

The Kid LAROI - GIRLS [47] (Why does he sound like Jason Derulo now?)

LISA - Rockstar [49] (Stop trying to be Charli XCX, you can't do it good.)

Eminem/Big Sean/BabyTron - Tobey [78] (5 minutes of mumbling while the cover art is literally the Spiderman imposter meme. Doesn't bode well for the album then.)

Kelsea Ballerini/Noah Kahan - Cowboys Cry Too [84] (After hearing this song, I can confirm I have forgotten everything about it.)

Camila Cabello ft. Drake - HOT UPTOWN [86] (This new direction from Camila has backfired heavily. And trying to do J Hus's Who Told You again doesn't help her cause.)

Ella Langley ft. Riley Green - you look like you love me [98] (Again, as I say every week, country is boring for me. I don't care for this one at all.)

Burna Boy - Higher [99] (Turns out preceding SZA at Glastonbury makes everyone abandon your mission for success. Who knew.)

Gracie Abrams - I Love You, I'm Sorry [100] (Enough with the ballads already. Who are you, Taylor Swift?)

(P.S. That last joke may or may not have been intentional. Eh. I'm just happy that none of the Coldplay oldies have forced their way down my throats. No one asked to hear Viva La Vida again, thank you.)