In the beginning the Lord God Almighty, turned to his best mate, the archangel Gabriel and said to him, “Gabby, I've a bit of spare time today so I am going to create a beautiful part of the Earth and I will call it Northern England. I will make a country of breath-taking beauty, with big clear lakes, rolling green fells, purple heather moorlands, rich green forests, and dark craggy mountains which from time to time will be covered with snow. There will be many dales that will twist through the fells and mountains. These dales will have clear, swift flowing streams and rivers with many waterfalls, and these streams will overflow with salmon and trout.

The land shall be lush, green, and fertile for the people to raise their sheep and cattle, and to grow their crops. The land will be rich with metals and minerals which will be eagerly sought by people throughout the land. Underneath the land there will be rich seams of coal that the people will mine to provide warmth for themselves and others.

Around the coast I will make some of the most beautiful areas in the world, sandy beaches, and high cliffs that will attract all manner of wildlife. There will be islands that will bring pleasure to all that see and visit them. In the waters around these shores there will be an abundance of sealife.

The people who live there will be called Northerners and they will be the friendliest people upon this Earth”.

Excuse me my Lord”, interrupted the archangel Gabriel, “Don't you think that you are being a bit too generous to these Northerners?”

" Don’t be daft lad,” replied the Lord, “Wait until you see the neighbours that I am giving them”.

It rained and it rained and rained and rained,

The average fall was well maintained,

And when the tracks were simply bogs,

It started raining cats and dogs.

After a drought of half an hour,

We had a most refreshing shower,

And then the most curious thing of all,

A gentle rain began to fall.

Next day was also fairly dry,

Save for the deluge from the sky,

Which wetted the party to the skin,

And after that the rain set in.

This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

The friend asks, "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"

Freddie and some of her fellow walkers came around the bend to find an enormous brown bear about 75 yards up the trail. The bear spies them and begins running toward them at a full gallop. Freddie drops her pack, sits down, throws off her walking shoes, and starts lacing up a pair of track shoes. The other walkers say: "What are you doing? You will never outrun that bear!". Freddie replies: "I don't have to outrun the bear...".

When she took up serious walking, Freddie was astounded by the wide selection of running and walking shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of running shoes, she noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk: "What is this little pocket thing here on the side for?". And the clerk: "Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your partner to come pick you up when you've walked too far".

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!".

Freddie goes out for a training walk. She comes to a river and cannot see a bridge anywhere nearby. She spots a blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo!" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?". The blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You're already on the other side!"