Born to Win

Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward

You cannot teach a man anything.

You can only help him discover it within himself.

—Galileo

"WINNERS AND LOSERS"

Each human being is born as something new, something that never existed before. He is born with what he needs to win at life. Each person in his own way can see, hear, touch, taste, and think for himself. Each has his unique potentials — his capabilities and limitations. Each can be a significant, thinking, aware, and creatively productive person in his own right — a winner.

The words "winner" and "loser" have many meanings. When we refer to a person as a winner, we do not mean one who beats the other guy by winning over him and making him lose. To us, a winner is one who responds authentically by being credible, trustworthy, responsive, and genuine, both as an individual and as a member of a society. A loser is one who fails to respond authentically. Martin Buber expresses this idea as he retells an old story of a rabbi who on his deathbed sees himself as a loser. The rabbi laments that, in the world to come, he will not be asked why he wasn't Moses, he will be asked why he wasn't himself.

Few people are one hundred percent winners or one hundred percent losers. It's a matter of degree. However, once a person is on the road to being a winner, his chances are greater for becoming even more so. This book is intended to facilitate the journey.

"WINNERS"

Winners have different potentials. Achievement is not the most important thing. Authenticity is. The authentic person experiences the reality of himself by knowing himself, being himself, and becoming a credible, responsive person. He actualizes his own unprecedented uniqueness and appreciates the uniqueness of others. (The common pronoun "he" refers to persons of either sex except when "she" is definitely applicable.)

A winner is not afraid to do his own thinking and to use his own knowledge. He can separate facts from opinion and doesn't pretend to have all the answers. He listens to others, evaluates what they say, but comes to his own conclusions. While he can admire and respect other people, he is not totally defined, bound, or awed by them.

A winner can be spontaneous. He does not have to respond in predetermined, rigid ways. He can change his plans when the situation calls for it. A winner has a zest for life. He enjoys work, play, food, other people, and the world of nature. Without guilt he enjoys his own accomplishments. Without envy he enjoys the accomplishments of others.

Although a winner can freely enjoy himself, he can also postpone enjoyment. He can discipline himself in the present to enhance his enjoyment in the future. He is not afraid to go after what he wants but does so in appropriate ways. He does not get his security by controlling others.

A winner cares about the world and its peoples. He is not isolated from the general problems of society. He is concerned, compassionate and committed to improving the quality of life. Even in the face of national and international adversity, he does not see himself as totally powerless. He does what he can to make the world a better place.

"LOSERS"

Although people are born to win, they are also born helpless and totally dependent on their environment. Winners successfully make the transition from total helplessness to independence, and then to interdependence. Losers do not. Somewhere along the line they begin to avoid becoming self-responsible.

As we have noted, few people are total winners or losers. Most of them are winners in some areas of their lives and losers in others. Their winning or losing is influenced by what happens to them in childhood.

A lack of response to dependency needs, poor nutrition, brutality, unhappy relationships, disease, continuing disappointments, inadequate physical care, and traumatic events are among the many experiences that contribute to making people losers. Such experiences interrupt, deter, or prevent the normal progress toward autonomy and self-actualization. To cope with negative experiences a child learns to manipulate himself and others. These manipulative techniques are hard to give up later in life and often become set patterns. A winner works to shed them. A loser hangs on to them.

A loser represses his capacity to express spontaneously and appropriately his full range of possible behavior. He may be unaware of other options for his life if the path he chooses goes nowhere. He is afraid to try new things. He maintains his own status quo. He is a repeater. He repeats not only his own mistakes, he often repeats those of his family and culture.

A loser has difficulty giving and receiving affection. He does not enter into intimate, honest direct relationships with others. Instead, he tries to manipulate them into living up to his expectations and channels his energies into living up to their expectations.

When a person wants to discover and change his "losing streak," when he wants to become more like the winner he was born to be, he can use gestalt-type experiments and transactional analysis to make change happen. These are two new, exciting, psychological approaches to human problems. The first was given new life by Dr. Frederick Perls; the second was developed by Dr. Eric Berne.

Perls was born in Germany in 1893 and left the country when Hitler came into power. Berne was born in Montreal in 1910. Both men were trained as Freudian psychoanalysts; both broke away from the use of orthodox psychoanalysis; both found their greatest popularity and acceptance in the United States.

Gestalt therapy is not new. However, its current popularity has grown very rapidly since it was given new impetus and direction by Dr. Frederick Perls. Gestalt is a German word for which there is no exact English equivalent; it means, roughly, the forming of an organized, meaningful whole.

Perls perceives many personalities as lacking wholeness, as being fragmented. He claims people are often aware of only parts of themselves rather than of the whole self. For example, a woman may not know or want to admit that sometimes she acts like her mother; a man may not know or admit that sometimes he wants to cry like a baby.

The aim of Gestalt therapy is to help one to become whole — to help the person become aware of, admit to, reclaim, and integrate his fragmented parts. Integration helps a person make the transition from dependency to self-sufficiency; from authoritarian outer support to authentic inner support.

生而胜

缪里尔·詹姆斯 多萝西·琼奇华

你无法教会别人任何东西。

你只能帮助他在自身内部发现它。

——伽利略

“胜者与败者”

每一个人生下来都是一个新的人，一个以前从未存在过的人。人一生下来便具有在生活中取胜所需要的东西。每个人都能以自己的方式去看、去听、去触、去尝并独立思考。每个人都有他独特的潜力——包括才能与局限。每个人都可以凭自身的能力成为一名胜者——一个有重要作用、勤于思考、明白事理、独创累累成果的人。

“胜者”和“败者”这两个词具有多重含义。当我们提到某人是胜者时，我们指的并不是一个击败对手使其认输的人。对我们来说，胜者是一个作为个人和社会的一员均能作出真正的反应，成为一个可以相信、可以信赖、富有同情心的真诚的人。而败者则是一个未能作出真正反应的人。马斯廷·布伯在讲述一名犹太教拉比的古老故事时表达了这一观点。那位犹太教拉比在临终时认为自己是一名失败者。他深感遗憾的是，在来世人们不会问他为什么不是摩西，而是问他为什么不是他自己。

很少人是百分之百的胜者或百分之百的失败者。这是个程度问题。然而，一旦有人踏上成为胜者之路，那他成为更强者的可能性就会更大。本书的写作就是为这次旅程提供便利。

“胜者”

胜者具有不同的潜质。成就并不是最重要的东西。真实性才最为重要。真诚的人以了解自己、赤诚展示自己并成为一名可以相信、富有同情心的人来体验自己的真实性。他实现了自身前所未闻的独特之处同时也赞赏别人的独特之处。（共用代词“他”指代男女两性，只在明确适用女性时才用“她”。）

胜者不怕独立思考，不怕运用自己的知识。他能分辨事实与看法，不装出一副事事皆通的样子。他倾听别人的意见，对他们的意见加以评价，但却由自己得出结论。他能够钦佩并尊重他人，但不会完全被他们限定住、束缚住或者吓倒。

胜者能够作出自发的反应。他不需要以预先确定的呆板的方式作出反应。他能随着形势发展的需要改变自己的计划。胜者对生活充满热情。他喜爱工作，喜爱娱乐，喜爱食物，喜爱别的人和大自然。他从自己的成就中获得满足而无愧疚之感。他从别人的成就中获得快乐而无妒忌之心。

虽然胜者可以自由地享受欢乐，但他也能把享受推迟到以后。他能够在现在克制住自己以增加将来的欢乐。他不怕去追求他想要的东西，但追求的方式是正当的。他并不通过控制他人来获取自己的安全感。

胜者关心世界，关心各国人民。他并不游离于社会的普遍问题之外。他忧国忧民，富有同情心，献身于生活质量的改进。即使面对着民族的和世界性的灾难，他也不会认为自己完全无能为力。他竭尽全力以使世界更加美好。

“败者”

虽然人们生来应成为胜者，但他们也生来不能自立，完全依赖于自己的环境。胜者成功地完成了从完全依赖到自立、再到相互依存的过渡。而败者却没有完成这一过渡。他们往往半途而废，逃避为自己负责。

正如我们已经指出的，很少人是完全的胜者或完全的败者。大多数人在其生活的某些方面是胜者，而在其他方面却是败者。他们的胜或败受到儿童时代所遭遇的事情的影响。

对依赖需求的缺乏反应、营养不良、野蛮行为、不愉快的人际关系、疾病、连续不断的失望、对身体照料的不足以及造成心灵创伤的事件等都属于促使人们成为失败者的众多经历之列。这类经历会中断、妨碍或阻止通向自立和自我实现的正常进程。为了对付种种反面的经历，一个孩子学会了控制自己和操纵别人。这些操纵人的技术很难在以后的人生中放弃，于是往往便成为固定的模式。胜者努力去摆脱它们，而失败者却紧紧抓住它们不放。

失败者压制其自发而恰当地表达全部可能行为的能力。如果他选择的人生道路走不通，他可能意识不到还有别的选择。他害怕尝试新的东西。他维持着自己的现状不图进取。他是个重复者。他不仅重复自己的错误，还常常重复其家族和其民族文化的错误。

失败者不善于表达和接受感情。他不跟别人建立亲密而真诚的直接关系。相反，他试图操纵别人使之按自己的心愿行事，同时尽力实现他人的期望。

当一个人想要发现并改变自己“失败的个性特征”，当他想要变得更像他生来就应该是的胜者时，他可以使用格式塔式实验和相互作用分析以促使改变发生。这是解决人的问题的两种新的令人激动的心理学方法。第一种方法由弗雷德里克·帕尔斯博士注入了新的生机；第二种方法则是由埃里克·伯恩发明的。

帕尔斯1893年生于德国，希特勒上台后离开了自己的国家。伯恩1910年生于蒙特利尔。两个人经过专门训练都成了信奉弗洛伊德学说的精神分析学家；后来又都放弃了正统的精神分析治疗法；又都在美国赢得了最高的声誉，获得了最广泛的承认。

格式塔式疗法并不是什么新东西。然而，自弗雷德里克·帕尔斯博士给这种疗法以新的推动并改变了其方向以来，该疗法近来得到了非常迅速的普及。“格式塔”是一个德语词，在英语中没有确切的对应词；大致说来，他的意思是形成一个有机的、有意义的整体。

帕尔斯认为许多人缺乏整体性，是不完整的。他宣称，人们往往只意识到他们的一些组成部分而意识不到完整的自己。例如，一位妇女也许不知道或不愿承认，她有时候的举止像自己的母亲；一个男人也许不知道或不承认，他有时候想象个婴儿一样地大声哭泣。

格式塔疗法的目的是帮助人们成为一个整体——帮助人们意识到自己各个分裂的部分，承认它们，改造它们，并使它们成为一个整体。使它们成为一个整体的过程可以帮助人们完成从依赖向自给自足的过渡；从强制的外部支持向真实的内在支持的过渡。

Key Words:

responsive     [ri'spɔnsiv]    

adj. 回答的，应答的，易感应的

productive     [prə'dʌktiv]    

adj. 能生产的，有生产价值的，多产的

trustworthy    ['trʌst.wə:ði]   

adj. 可信赖的

genuine  ['dʒenjuin]     

adj. 真正的，真实的，真诚的

intended [in'tendid]     

adj. 故意的，有意的；打算中的 n. 已订婚者 v.

unique    [ju:'ni:k]  

adj. 独一无二的，独特的，稀罕的

credible  ['kredəbl]

adj. 可信的，可靠的

facilitate  [fə'siliteit]

vt. 帮助，使 ... 容易，促进

respond  [ris'pɔnd]

v. 回答，答复，反应，反响，响应

guilt [gilt]

n. 罪行，内疚

respond  [ris'pɔnd]

v. 回答，答复，反应，反响，响应

n.

uniqueness    [ju:'ni:knis]    

n. 唯一性，独特性

defined   [di'faind]

adj. 有定义的，确定的；清晰的，轮廓分明的 v. 使

rigid        ['ridʒid]  

adj. 僵硬的，刻板的，严格的

credible  ['kredəbl]

adj. 可信的，可靠的

authentic        [ɔ:'θentik]      

adj. 可信(靠)的，真实的，真正的

spontaneous  [spɔn'teiniəs] 

adj. 自发的，自然产生的

achievement  [ə'tʃi:vmənt]   

n. 成就，成绩，完成，达到

applicable      ['æplikəbl]     

adj. 合适的，适用的

enhance [in'hɑ:ns]

vt. 提高，加强，增加

environment  [in'vaiərənmənt]    

n. 环境，外界

interdependence   [.intədi'pendəns]   

n. 互相依赖

appropriate    [ə'prəupriət]   

adj. 适当的，相称的

vt. 拨出(款项)

dependent     [di'pendənt]  

adj. 依靠的，依赖的，从属的

discipline        ['disiplin]

n. 训练，纪律，惩罚，学科

vt. 训练，惩

concerned     [kən'sə:nd]    

adj. 担忧的，关心的

isolated   ['aisəleitid]     

adj. 分离的，孤立的

helpless  ['helplis] 

adj. 无助的，无依靠的

committed     [kə'mitid]

adj. 献身于某种事业的，委托的参考资料：

unhappy        [ʌn'hæpi]      

adj. 不快乐的，不高兴的

unaware        ['ʌnə'wɛə]      

adj. 没有发觉的，不知道的

inadequate    [in'ædikwit]   

adj. 不充分的，不适当的

negative ['negətiv]

adj. 否定的，负的，消极的

n. 底片，负

contribute      [kən'tribju:t]   

vt. 捐助，投稿

vi. 投稿，贡献，是原因

nutrition [nju:'triʃən]    

n. 营养

brutality  [bru:'tæləti]   

n. 残忍，无慈悲，野蛮的行为

prevent   [pri'vent]

v. 预防，防止

shed       [ʃed]      

n. 车棚，小屋，脱落物

vt. 使 ...

spontaneously      [spɔn'teiniəsli]

adv. 自发地，自生地，自然产生地

popularity      [.pɔpju'læriti] 

n. 普及，流行，名望，受欢迎

streak     [stri:k]    

n. 条理，斑纹，倾向，少许，痕迹

v. 加条

psychological [.saikə'lɔdʒikəl]      

adj. 心理(学)的

intimate  ['intimeit,'intimit]   

adj. 亲密的，私人的，秘密的

n. 密友